Previously on United States of Tara...
On the scale of gayness, I'm thinking Alex would be a 10.
What do you think I am?
Like a 5.
I am not a 5.
I want to talk to you sometime
maybe about... maybe buying this place.
We're so excited to have our family,
but Charmaine said she can't imagine doing it anywhere but here.
Found out today that the baby's not Nick's.
It's Neil's.
- Charmaine's pregnant with your baby. - What?
- What do you want me to do? - I want him to sign something
saying he's never gonna come back and try to be a father.
I'm not signing anything.
You told me to get an abortion!
I'm your princess Valhalla Hawkwind,
and your wish is my ultimate command.
Meet in person?
So, if you ever get tired of pretending to be a princess online
and you want to be treated like one for real,
I'd love to be the guy.
Do you remember someone named Mimi?
I have this memory of you and me and this woman named Mimi.
Last night, I stopped at Cat Five's for a beer.
You had a thing with Pammy?
I knew it.
United Team
Blackart
Browncoat
Lafeelicita
Salomon
valpi
2x10 Open House
Let's go home, Tara.
Charmaine, we can't.
I don't even know how to get there.
Happy by-sennial, Mimi.
And to you, too, girls.
Go on, my dears.
It's a parade. You're supposed to have fun.
Don't talk to anyone.
Hey, buddy.
What's wrong now?
I'm just sleeping on the couch, better for my back.
Completely believable explanation.
As you know, I am 8 years old and very, very slow.
It's complicated, Marsh.
If you guys get divorced, I'm keeping the house. I can't change schools.
Shawnee North has gangs.
Everything's fine.
I'm going to make breakfast.
Know who will always be together?
Me, and warm, delicious strudel.
- Everything's fine? - You tell me.
I didn't sleep with someone else this week.
Yeah, not this week.
I'm fuckin' wrecked.
I don't want people tromping through our life.
I want to call off the open house.
The sign is up. They put the ad in the paper. It's time.
Nick and Charmaine, then. It'll be done.
Be next door doesn't mean you got to see them.
We're having the open house, okay?
We just need people who will stay out of our lives.
Find some nice Indian family, just off the boat...
No English. Maybe once a year, I say, "Good morning, Mr. Gupta.
"Have a happy diwali."
And he nods, and we go back to our...
What... our life?
Yeah, it's coming back.
Superman slept with someone else.
We've dealt with a lot of shit. But I never thought he would do that.
Really? I did.
- Terrific. - Seriously,
how many people have your alters slept with since you've been married?
I counted once.
In our life, I think it's somewhere between 33 and 35.
God, it was bound to happen.
He didn't just cheat on me.
He slept with Pammy,
the worst person he could have possibly fucked.
No, the worst person he could have possibly fucked is probably me.
You seriously won't sell us that house?
No! Stop asking me to do that!
Is it because you don't love me?
Because I do love you.
God, I've fucking told you.
All those weird dreams I have are somehow connected with that house.
What, the Mimi molesty dreams?
I just said that when I have my obsessive thoughts about those girls,
it's always there and not here.
Have you ever asked mom?
What? What would I ask her?
Like...
"Hey, mom? Do you remember someone named Mimi?" Or...
I don't know... "Mom, who the fuck is she?"
Trip said you were already transitioning before the rape, so...
God. If you use the word "rape" or "molesty" one more time,
I'm gonna hit you hard on the side of the head.
God!
Would having a little fucking grace kill you?
You're talking to me about grace?
Your fucking marriage is about to fall apart!
Everything... your marriage, your kids!
Don't you think it's worth one call to mom?
I don't know. Just to...
ask?
You look great.
You certainly know how to dress for tennis.
Where's your racket?
I have to rent one. I don't really play sports.
Delicate?
Lazy.
But you own the ensemble?
I require many garments for my many moods.
This is actually a costume from a tennis-themed dance show at my school.
I played Venus Williams, but then I quit.
You mind if I called you "Katherine" instead of "Kate"?
Like when Tom Cruise turned "Katie" into "Kate"?
Made her start wearing those Zac Posen sunglasses?
You want me to get you some Zac Posen sunglasses?
Just tell me. We can stop at the Nordstrom on the way to tennis.
- I'll buy you fucking Nordstrom's. - My God!
Or that house. I'll buy that house and move in,
so I can be on standby to make sure you have every single thing you need.
I get it. You're rich.
Whoop-diddily-Dee. Zach can have whatever he wants.
That remains to be seen.
Okay, it's ringing.
She better not insist on reading me one of those fucking cracked-out poems
she writes for her "active senior" newsletter.
Hi, mom!
It's Charmaine.
Yeah, I'm not feeling incredibly haiku-ish at the moment,
so do you think you could read it to me later?
Mom? Mom, I need to talk.
Yeah, we definitely set a date.
Yeah, Nick is completely supportive about the baby.
Yeah, he is very supportive.
As... supportive as...
someone could be, who...
isn't the father.
Yeah, I know.
I know! That's why I'm freaking out.
Yeah, I just...
Look, I really need you to come here.
I need my mommy.
All right.
Good.
Thanks.
Alright, she's coming.
Do you do that to me?
Just make up wildly heightened emotions
to manipulate me into being there for you?
Of course not.
That's just for mom.
God, I shouldn't have let you drive.
You're sweating all over the place.
Nervous?
I'm not nervous.
I've been to this park a hundred times on school trips.
It's the site of the only World War I museum in the whole country.
You can't tell it by my face, but I'm actually very excited.
Look, we don't have to do anything.
We just have to... you know, get out of the car and...
see what happens.
That's easy for you to say.
Baby steps.
It's just...
sharing parts of your body with a stranger.
It's... You know, it's not scary. It's hot.
It's scary.
I mean, how many more merit badges do I have to earn until I'm gay enough?
You look great. Hope the drive wasn't too long.
I thought you were just a few months along.
Why do you already look so pregnant?
I'm not even showing.
You are in your face.
Welcome.
So, it works like this...
someone's gonna come up to you and ask you what you're into.
And if you're into him, then you go off and explore.
What... am I into?
I feel so bad for breeders.
Being gay is like living in a buffet.
Who doesn't love a buffet?
All that meat under the hot lights and the sneeze guard.
Nice day, huh?
- Let's take a walk. - Joaquin.
Let's take a walk, Joaquin.
And people say romance is dead.
Where are my crudités?
If you want carrots, just say you want goddamn carrots.
My mom's here. Please act like we're happy.
I mean, look at all this space.
Tara and I are really happy to see you. We're happy in general.
What do you think of a big chandelier right in the middle of this room?
Lots of glass. Babies love glass.
Carrots?
Celery?
Delicious ranch dip?
Come on, mom. I'll show you the rest of the house.
I'll go get some radishes, too.
You don't have to look away.
No. Sorry.
Your lunch looks...
- I'm sure it's good. - It is good.
This place is really weird.
So, you want to come back here so I can introduce you to my cock?
Sorry, fella. He's with me.
I'm his father.
Boy, this is an embarrassing mix-up, huh, son?
I'll say...
pop.
We should get home before mom... shows up here, too.
Right.
God.
Don't slam the door, Tara.
Such unnecessary noise.
Sit down, mom.
Well, you've certainly gotten yourself into a mess, Charmaine.
While we have you here, I wanted to ask...
Catting around with one man while wearing another man's ring.
- "Catting"? Who says "catting"? - I know... Everybody does it.
Mom, who's Mimi?
Mimi who?
I think there was a Mimi around when we were kids...
If you could just share the stage for one minute,
I came here to do damage control on your sister's life
and plan a wedding. It's a full afternoon.
I'm actually trying to do damage control on all our lives, mom. If you'd just...
answer the question.
I've been trying to...
I don't know...
reconstruct my childhood, and I...
Not that again.
No, it's not again, mom.
This is something I've never...
I've never asked to anyone.
I keep remembering a...
I keep remembering a 4th of July parade and a woman named Mimi.
- Now, who is she? - You know your sister is ill,
but you're the one who's in trouble, miss,
and you're just letting her go on and on about all these stupid little things.
God, mom. Why won't you just answer the question?
That's why I'm here?
To play some twisted game of "insane family jeopardy"?
This is not a game, mom. I'm am finally figuring out where I...
what I come from, and that's sane!
It's always the mother, isn't it?
I know, I know. I didn't read to you two enough.
And I didn't breast-feed.
None of my girlfriends were breast-feeding.
No one, okay? So shoot me!
I'm not blaming you, mom.
I'm just asking,
who is Mimi?
I don't know, okay? Maybe a babysitter.
Everyone, stop! Alert the press!
Beverly Craine hired a babysitter once or twice.
What does it all mean?
Thank you.
Thank you! That's very helpful!
I keep imagining a little girl with
your long, lovely hair and...
Neil's face.
Honey.
You're so pretty.
But you've always made decisions like an ugly girl.
I want to take you to see the Joffrey Ballet.
In Chicago? Yeah, that'd be fun.
But this is for tomorrow night.
Would you need to check in with your parents?
Are they gonna meet me and wonder
what some strange old guy's doing in your life?
- My mom's a strange old guy sometimes. - Let's go.
Pack a few things.
I'll call the Peninsula and book us a suite.
I'm sorry... it's just...
I've had a lot of skeevy guys bossing me around,
and it kind of makes the food come up in my... in my gullet.
I'm sorry.
I mean, you're not a skeevy guy.
Jesus.
This really is a teenager's room.
This is not a room for...
an adult to be in.
No, I promise you, this is not me anymore.
I was a little girl when I wanted it pink, and I just haven't...
I meant me.
This is not a room for me to be in.
I'm 27. I don't even know what I was thinking.
I have to get out of here.
Look, I bought you these earrings. You should still have them.
And keep the tickets.
You don't have to go to the ballet. You can just...
put them on your bulletin board.
My God, you...
have a bulletin board.
You okay?
Just, you know, my mom.
Yeah, I saw.
You know, when I was little, I got this Leif Garrett album...
"I was made for dancing".
But there must have been a fuck-up at the factory, because...
when I got it home and played it,
it was Black Sabbath.
Nice!
So I exchanged it
and got a new one.
And it didn't matter, every time I looked at Leif's happy face,
all I could hear was War Pigs.
That's what it's like...
Seeing my mom.
Well...
You know, I can't give you "I was made for dancing".
But...
I can give you this.
What is it?
The papers that Nick's friend sent over
for me to sign to promise, you know,
I'd stay out of our daughter's life.
I want you to be happy, Charmaine.
I hope this helps.
I should get back inside.
Sure, yeah.
Promise me one thing, would you?
What?
You know, if she ever looks in the mirror and...
and realizes that she's not Nick's,
don't say bad things about me.
You know, tell her I was a...
a good guy.
You know, lie.
I don't know what your plans are,
but that back office would make a great extra bedroom for kids, maybe.
- How are the schools? - Great.
Both of my kids go to public school.
My daughter's a senior, top of the class.
And next year, she's off to Brown.
Pre-med.
I can just see that you two really love each other.
And this house would just make
a great place to start a life.
An even better place to end one.
That's Alice. That's terrific. That's funny, Alice.
Alice, these are some people who might...
Sorry?
This is a great place die.
Did anyone disclose to you that the previous owner,
poor Don...
splattered his brains all over the walls?
Yes, this was the house he always wanted to die in,
and, boy, did he ever do it.
I want to thank all of you for coming here today to mourn.
I know the family would appreciate it, too.
Don was a beautiful man.
We loved him so.
What the hell is going on here?
That's my wife. She's acting a little goofy.
Goofy? There's nothing goofy about what's happening here.
It's tragic, is what it is.
Shame all the sugary vanilla smells can't take away the stink of the death.
No, that's just baked in.
This is wonderful.
Really wonderful.
Just look at you.
I guess you already know who Mimi Parmeter is, don't you?
Good for you. Would you please get her out of here?
These people don't need to see this.
I understand.
Manners.
Things better left behind closed doors.
However,
if you check your etiquette handbook, as I frequently do,
I think you'll find that most of the experts agree...
A mother should never lie to her own children.
My darling, do me one favor when you become a parent.
Do not follow in this one's easy spirits.
Because people need to know
what's real
and what's a horrible fun-house mirror
meant to confuse and confound.
People need to know.
That was very, very rude, Tara.
Stop it. You know that's not Tara.
I'm going home!
I'm sick of all this craziness.
Tell Nick to give me a call. We'll talk about the house.
Well, Max...
shall we split a cookie?
I actually like the World War I museum.
I can never go back there.
I've ruined World War I for myself.
I don't...
I don't know how to be gay.
I used to think that I was something else, like
they'd make a whole new category for me.
I like guys, but...
I like old films justs much.
I don't know what to call that.
I think it's still called "gay".
When I was young,
cruising's what we all did.
I was so full of shame and anger.
My therapist called it "shanger".
Is that what it feels like to you?
I'd really rather not have to use a word called "shanger".
Wouldn't you rather fall in love, Marshall?
Wouldn't you rather be 16 and in love?
I marched on Washington and shopped on Christopher Street
so you'd have the choice to do that instead of,
you know, going to that park
and getting off on servicing strangers.
I'm not gonna tell your parents about this, all right?
Thanks.
But...
I also think they'd be creeped out if I told them you were there.
Sounds like a deal, then.
So, what do we do now?
What can we do?
Can't just sit around waiting for mom not to be a liar.
She'll say, "I'm telling the truth now", and she'll still be lying.
You still look like Alice.
By the way, thank her for me.
She scared those people away.
Guess she wants me to live next door to you guys.
Keep an eye on you.
Mimi Parmeter.
Well, at least we have a last name.
You know what? I could find Mimi myself.
How do we do that?
"We"?
I think she lived in a yellow house.
Okay, well, that narrows it down.
So, you should get a map of America,
and I'll get a color wheel.
Fancy meeting you here.
Hey, do you know anyone who's happy?
Do you know anyone who's in love?
Mom and dad, maybe?
And they're miserable.
But they can't survive without each other,
so it doesn't make a difference if they're in love or not.
I'm gonna have something different.
Then go for it.
But just so you know,
everybody's hooking up with each other because they want to take things.
It's a car,
or a trampoline...
or happiness.
They're all things.
Everyone's a taker.
Everything's a thing.
When did you become an expert?
I am very wise, Marshall Gay Hardon.
I'm full of wisdom.
You wearing earrings to bed?
It's what I'm doing now, yes.
Marshall's downstairs, and I don't want to freak the kids out anymore.
I was gonna let you sleep up here anyway.
Climb aboard.
Big mistake.
Pammy... huge mistake.
I know.
I know, honey.
Thanks to my fucking fucked-up childhood,
all I do all day is run around breaking eggs,
so I can't really blame people for trying to make omelets.
You can blame me a little.
All right, I'll blame you a little.
But I also forgive you.
Really?
I mean, no one knows better than me what Pammy has to offer to a...
soul in a weakened condition.
And life is long.
And you're my man.
I forgive you.
You fucked my Pammy!
You do not get away with that, motherfucker!
Tara forgave me. She forgave me! She forgave me!
Well, guess what. I ain't Tara.
Stop it! Stop it, Buck!
Get off me!
Get the fuck off me!
You better not think this is over, Max, 'cause it ain't.
I fuckin' loved her, man.